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The Meg. the pathway to purpose. Purpose Driven Life-Rick Warren... uh let me get back to ya....

Where do i start... my turning point start as a slow process that took about four years. My 'first love' was attractive to me because he was so rebellious, it was cool for the first few months. we partied alot, he was the criminal type and I eventually severed all ties with my family.

I began to see things for what they were and how nasty that life-stye really was but, I kinda trapped myself with the situation I was in and in my pride. i wouldn't accept who he chose to be, I sugar coated it, ignored the obvious. things got worse and worse. It was really bad, every kind of abuse in the book, he put me through(but I stayed). Well, I ended up having to see a councelor, against my will, and I realized something. If I have to sit here and lie for my boyfriend to a complete stranger there's most definately something wrong. I don't know why that hit me the way it did but a little light when off. Over a six month period, I drifted away. got serious about school again, studied and babysat his neices while they all partied, in the same house. I even took a welding class, got a 92% average in social, and 86% in english, honors, my self esteem back a bit; but most of all I got closer to my family and friends.

eventually I moved back in with my Dad. by this time i was 17, it had been two years and well that pride is a doozie(i still have a hard time just writing this). well at this time I still smoked (gross I know), and I went to visit a neighbor who of course just had to have a 25 year old son. I figured older guy, more mature, ha! but I was used to taking care of someone and i couldn't stay with my Dad (only the biggest sweetheart on the face of the earth). we ended up 'shacked up', I ended up pregnant a not long after (you'de think I was stupid or something, living the senario i used to brush off and think couldn't happen. Ladies, don't believe them when they say they won't get you pregnant. God said abstinance for really good reason). Our relationship was so up and down, and was only up when i was submissive. As long as I kept my mouth shut, pretended I was happy and did whatever he wanted- it was good.

I have never ever met a more worldly, selfish person, I didn't think it was even possible for someone to have next to no morals (as you can tell I am still working on the forgiving aspect, I've really been noticing it lately, so close but not quite).


I focused my life on my daughter, he'd even interfere with that for selfish reasons. Our living conditions were scary, I took good care of her of course but, still. things started to get a bit better,... i guess. I think I was looking for a reason to quite smoking again, to clean up our home life and find myself, and do things 'right' for a change...

its so funny all the while, after barely passing Him through my head... ever, I could not stop thinking about Jesus, and compareing the people around myself's actions and choices to that of the Godly people I once knew...Just out of the blue those thoughts would take over and i didn't even stop to think he was calling me.


well, i got pregnant again, on purpose(stupid I know but I'm so glad i did!). we planned it, I thought(hoped) things were getting better. Then after we knew for sure, he made me promise I wouldn't leave him be cause he didn't want to pay child support for the both of them (he still rubbs that 'promise' in my face). As if I would leave him for child support so I agreed, you don't know how badly I wanted the perfect little family(to give up all of me litterally) and i wanted my daughter to have the gift of the relationship of a sibling. Well, after that, it was unbelievable, the way he treated me is indescribable. he had me and knew it. I had gone back to school again, when Alexis was about nine months, and started working again (actually thats about the time that photo was taken with the straight hair and black/pink shirt in my photos, see the pain? i do.). He even refused to help with her unless someone was around to impress so she was all on me too, I did everthing i could possibly do to please him and he'd still litterally flip out if supper wasn't ready at six. like I had time!

I started to really push myself away without even realizing it. Eventually,by odd circumstances, I even had a Christian friend with radical, questional beliefs but, swith some moral fiber and that I could talk to.

I told her alot about us and he always made me feel like it was me, like I was in the wrong and I questioned myself. I think thats what made me stay longer. She confirmed my thoughts helped my to solidify the fact that I wasn't crazy or out of line and he was manipulating me BIG time.

Some where in there, he wanted me to stay home with Alexis, i quite my job, i was always ill with morning sickness anyway and missing her (it was yet another way to control me).

I remember the day I made up my mind we were driving in the camaro he had bought for me but rearely let me drive (i think he knew saying it was for me was the only way he could justify buying another machine) anyway, I won't repeat the things he had been saying to me and the way he was treating me the day before(as degrading as possible sums it up), and I was giving him the famous silent treatment, i didn't know what else to do, I was crush. I had officially hit the bottom. Thinking about this while we were driving, he said something nasty at that time and I said you may as well get a mail-order bride then you could treat her anyway you wanted and it wouldn't matter(that was a cruel comment I know, I wouldn't wish him on anyone), his responce; 'ya their dumb as sticks too'. at that moment that was it. I got what i needed to finally let go.

I was fed up with everthing, him, that life, my past, my choices, all of it. within three days (i think it was actually less) we were packed up, and gone. we stayed at my Dads for an afternoon, I didn't have a game plan. three months pregnant, broke, 18 month old daughter, but I had a peace about me I knew everything would work out. I was still scared and had that yucky feeling inside, but still level headed. it got to the point where he stalked me out for like two weeks after i left, everywhere i went he showed up, what a horrible feeling-still trapped. It got less intense but he still did. And to look at him he's just a normal guy, a good job, nice to most-like he didn't 'look' like scum.

I knew I couldn't stay at my Dad's, I needed to be in town ya know un-secluded, close to support and councellors. I used the need to be close to work excuse/lie. I stayed at the womens shelter for nine days, honestly it felt like months...seriously I couldn't believe it once i had figured it out. that friend I mentioned earlier and her husband had asked us to come stay with them to get back up on my feet. That wasn't easy at all but at least the 24 hour morning sickness began to wear off. He wasn't allowed near the womens shelter,he had actually called there screaming anyway. but knew my friends husband. he started to show up there, just to yell, but only when he knew I was home alone; borderline stalker again.My friend's husband said to let him come over for supper to see if he was really going to change, at that time I had started going to a church (i had taken him once out of some inner obligation to minister to him and he pretended to read the bible and look down my blouse the entire time, this was the father of my babies and I felt soo violated and disgusted), and he said he'd change(i gave him a list of christian characteristics i wanted or there was no chance, mostly from galatians), well, heard that one before. finally I agreed (still holding onto that perfect little family thing that I was struggleing to let go of, what woman doesn't want to have that with the father of her babies?). it was my 19th b-day. he claimed he missed Alexis, the excuss I used to agree. He brought roses and a card that was now worthless to me that said how perfect i was and so on (things that would have ment EVERYTHING to me at some time but was now worthless)... he followed me around all night, he's such an actor and I seen through it. Alexis went to bed, my friend's husband rented a movie and guess what, he actually exspected me to cuddle him, never mind breathe the same air as him! the though *literally* made me sick! And guess what he flipped. needless to say they both agreed with me once and for all (after that it still took quite a few months to get him off my back)


To shorten my excrutiatingly long story a bit, he started to threaten to take Alexis away (ya know hit me where it hurts). I got a lawyer whom on the court date scared him a bit i think and i got child support out of it which was nice given the circumstances. Within that month of staying at my friends place , I could now get my own place and I did. I had nothing but kids stuff, clothes that didn't fit anymore (and my guinea pig) but the Good Lord provides.

He takes such good care of us. the church I was going to was teaching things I knew was wrong and it just so happened to be the Christmas Banquet at the Evengelical Free Church where my grandparents went. (for the crazy old lady I swore she was; grandma to this day always knows just what I need), she bought me a ticket and there was a comedian, Steve Greyer I think was his name, really funny anyway. yet I kept tearing up (just like now as I write this), after me and grams started talking on our way for refreshments and accepting Jesus came up (i hadn't officailly taken that step), I couldn't talk about it, I couldn't hold the tears back no matter how hard I tried. and that was it.

A person complains about their circumstances and I made really poor desicions but if I hadn't I know I wouldn't be saved and who I am today. I still got tons of growing to do, and I mean TONS. God did what he had to do and I am greatful. At least i got out, we were blessed and it could have been worse.

He used nightmare-'relationships' and the love for my children to transform me.

I think about who I was and it's a totally different person all together, totally different. Looking where i've been and where i am its amazing to me that he can change one person sooo much in so little time- only God can do that.


I'm glad, deep down I always knew my babies would be raised in a christian home. I still struggle with the emotional abuse he(they/I) put me through, but I am very passionate now when I see it going on in other ladies lives and I know it has and will be used for good. Its sad how many women can identify with this or worse. I feel their pain. I know he will use my expiriences for others' salvation and that (and my girls of course:) makes it all worth while.

If you survived throught this thats impressive, I left alot out, so it could have been worse!!! I hope He will use this too for his glory, because honestly no one knows the whole story, its alot easier to type it to strangers than it is to talk about it all. Its been over a year, year and a half, actually. My babies will be one and three within the next two months(crazy). I operate my own business with Avon Canada, it's really growing, Lord willing and I'm kinda what they'de call a vurtual assistant for my uncle's company. Got *real* friends now, an amazing Pastor (whos gonna be retiring of course), and things are finally on the right track. We are finally happy too, things are challangeing but great! And truely I have the greatest family ever(some are still astray, hopein' that changes too)!