I am a new, reborn Christian. After we had some Bible studies in our home, we were born again I was immersed Jan. 7, 2007; Alex 10 days later. Just last week we officially joined our independent, fundamental Baptist church.
For years, you know, I wasn't right with God. Sex was my drug of choice. I was looking for love the wrong way.
In the early 90's, I committed a deadly sin of adultery. I wasn't married to him at the time, but I thought if I slept with him (Ken said he was getting divorced), that I could have him. "Finally," I thought. I had a crush on him ever since 1985-86? He was the second guy I ever had sex with, but I never had him for my own. I thought that night was my chance, but I was just a one night stand for him--again.
Well, I think this is why Alex and I got together. I was looking for Faith. I had no faith in Jesus or the Holy Bible. I found a path for faith through Alex's mother. But I still challenged God like the thief that yelled at Jesus to get Himself off of the cross. I wanted him to prove it. I think I was still angry at Him for my parents' divorce and the loneliness in my own life. My hurt and pain. I had built a rather impregnable wall with science.
I attended church off and from about 4-12 years old and then again in high school, but not for Christ, just for a good, healthy place to hang out with friends from school. I attended church to hang out with me friends or to make friends, but not to praise the Lord any better than a Sunday Christian. I was not filled with the Holy Spirit. I joined the church choir to give me one night off of teacher homework, not to Praise God. I sang the hymns, and I had fun, but I didn't truly know the feeling of praise. I joined the church that I was Baptized in order to get a free church wedding...at least the place for free. After having children, we didn't show up so much. Church was an duty and an inconvenience. I also didn't like having to say every time that "I believe in the holy catholic and apostolic church" when I didn't. I felt like a liar.
I ended up leaving, because when I went to church,I felt like a liar.
Then, after trying other churches/denominations I rebelled from God. I don't know when Jesus became a fictional superhero character and the Holy Bible became a work of fiction, but it happened. My heart hardened. I figured that if I was going to Hell no matter what, since I had committed a deadly sin, then damn God. And I became an Asatru priestess (I am ordained clergy through the Church of Universal Life). My Hel was a wonderful place. And believing in Asatru (Odin, Thor, Freya, etc...) seems more plausible to me. It was the religion of my ancestors since before Christ. The secular "Easter"actually came from the Asatru goddess of fertility and her symbols were bunnies that laid eggs. Christ's birthday is celebrated not during his actual birthday, but during the Asatru winter holiday, where Christmas trees were decorating/Santa Claus...Jesus was born during Summer! So I had a lot of reasons to remain true to Asatru.
Last Fall, my daughter started quoting what sounded like Biblical references, singing to God and making references we don't know where it came from. No clue. She wasn't hearing it at home or at kindergarten. We hadn't gone to church in a LONG time. She had never sang them when we were attending church.
Then, reluctantly, I starting attending a local Baptist Church. Then an elder of the church came to visit and I got to play Devil's Advocate and asked him all sorts of difficult questions that no one had been able to answer me. He was calm and collected, and a man of Biblical He could give me scientific proof that the what happened in the Bible is true and happened in the scientific record. I was amazed. And if Mary Magdalene and the man who imprisoned and tortured Christians until he repented and became a Disciple of Christ can be redeemed, I can, too.
Highs and Lows:
January 7, 2007, I was Baptized and I tried to take my life.
I forgot to take a breath and I heard a comforting male voice tell me not to worry, that "He was with me now."
After shaking hands with a lot of the congregation congratulating me, the same voice urgently told me to come back for 6:00PM service. I told my husband about that. He didn't believe me, but his mom did.
About 3:00, I heard an angry voice. My first thought was "Frigg? No, it's male. Loki, no......huh???" Then I realized it was a devil in "Loki's clothing". The voice was angry, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??? " I could feel it thinking. "You are going to regret it."
I shook it off, thinking it was weird and I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't want them to think I was weird.
What did happen is I went from a pretty happy, peaceful mommy to martyring myself for my children in all of a quick 5 minutes. A lot of things became magnified that evening, at 6:00PM.
I intentionally OD' ed on Vicodin. I write goodbye letters. My husband figured things out and called poison control, but too much time had gone by. In the Emergency Room, I prayed the Lord's Prayer to live. For over six hours. The hospital was worried about my heart stopping and for organ damage.
God was very gracious to me, there is no permanent damage.
God is so good. Praise Him.
If you have doubt about your own salvation, e-mail me. Ask me questions. Challenge me.
I love you.
Amen.
