At first i didnt even know they were gay feelings. I grew up a
christian in a christian family - we had all asked Jesus into our
hearts & were dedicated to our church & to God, so what could
POSSIBLY go wrong?! I wonder how many other christians have ever asked
that....
Firstly, I enjoyed all the great stuff:
- my Dad
taking my brother & i to a local park to go fishing where he would
read his Our Daily Bread, an incredibly powerful thing upon reflection
now,
-the great excitement of every Christmas, & ALL the holidays
-at grandma & grandpas, the go-cart the '3-wheeler' the snowmobile the car drives
on the lawn- all what grandpa (a true tinker) supplied for us.
And Grandma & Grandpa were believers too - they never swore or even
thot about drink - truly uncomplicated, even tho grandpa worked at a
prison most of his life. Turns out they loved him & saw his faith
in action too.
God has truly been good to us - don't dismiss that!!!
Well, within that perfect time, there were many things that didn't add up to perfection.
Personally,
i was molested by a so-called family friend, a guy we called 'uncle
Bud'. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time, but it has had
reverberations ever since. It doesn't have to be violent to be
crushing. As a child, I would "get" the sex jokes on tv, and it
disappointed me horribly. I was like a weary 80 yr. old man in a 5
yr. olds body. One time in the bathroom, I 'hid' my genitals
underneath & crossed my legs and wished i was a girl so no one
could touch me again. Only now do I see that as a possible element of
being 'gay identified' or at least female identified.
My parents argued often, and one night, while
in bed i heard them arguing on the stairs and i heard my mom slip and
fall trying to push past my dad. I heard the whole thing & I was
terrified & frozen w/ fear - unable to move. my dad was trying to
help her and she was screaming to get his hands off her. I was
literally terrified - was she ok? was it dad's fault? was it her
obstinance - I did see her kiss uncle Bud and my insides went into a
panic then, but for 'peace at all costs', I said nothing & held it
in. Can u imagine a little kid trying to grapple with such adult
feelings? That was me. They divorced when i was 13, and suddenly to
add to the weight, i was the 'man' of the family.
My dad was true blue thru the whole thing - not perfect, just without
fault, and not to villify mom, she was in a relationship w/ my dad that
suffocated her with no one to talk to at church - not like i can do at
my church now.
Let that bottled up 'mess' be the thing that festered &
warped me and my perception.
It was too much.
I
turned inward, and kept a distant from everyone, especially men.
I became like an indoor cat - safe, yet isolated.
We
lived with my mom and 'didn't trust men' so my normal need for male
mentoring became a kind of general loathing & a secret desire of
desperation. And of course, 'desperate people do desperate things'.
It
also was what set me up to crave male companionship - normal cravings
that were denied by: my situation, my insecurities, my lack of self-worth, my
self-hatred, my lack of
even knowing I was in need, & my happy-go-lucky demeanor that covered my deep, deep needs.
At college, I met the 'perfect' guy, felt guilty & yet
compelled to him, and he, tho not a believer, responded equally.
Looking back, it was God who kept showing me all along that there was
the way He wanted my life to be, and then the way I craved it to be -
incessantly craving it to be.
I'll stop to say there is no
condemnation in Christ, and there is a better, guilt-free way to live
if we simply take on the 'easy yoke things' that God asks us to do with
His help.
I chose *my* way then.
I knew that if God called
gay 'wrong', that He'd offer a way out, but I only dabbled in that
answer - I really only wanted what I wanted. Like a true addict, I
found solace in it for a short time, but whenever i wanted out, it
seemed more and more difficult.
I resigned that despite the crushing label, I was 'gay'.
I now say 'gay identified' - b/c first, '
you are
you', and you are made in the image of God -
above any label.
But just like you cant just stand in a church to be a christian, you cant just hang out with ex-gays to be '
not gay-identified'. (But they did help when I needed them later on!)
Later, after
college for 5yrs. & Bible school for 3 yrs. & had been away from my
gay-ID friends, AND by the time i heard God speak seriously to me
again, I was already in a 4 yr. relationship w/ Mike.
And we were stagnating. Again.
*I
believe that is the plight of gay relationships. They level off &
stagnate b/c they are in so many ways "the same", and who gets past
that?
It always took a crisis for Mike & I to decide
again whether we should stay together or not.
We
stuck it out until the Lord told me one day after a nap that He would
have to move away from me if I kept living w/ Mike. I never told Mike b/c he wouldnt understand. Thats when I
finally told God 'ok, i cant do it myself, so You will have to get me out -
and I Knew
that wouldn't
be easy. Mike lost interest in me and and my hesitancy to stay in our
relationship & he met a guy at work. We each moved out, but that
wasn't it. I would go to work & within minutes I'd go in the back
& sob. I thot that would be what sent me back to God, but
I went back to Mike & to the relationship, but eventually within 6
mos. my jealousy got to me and I realized I couldn't trust the
relationship, Mike or me.
Like anyone who REALLY meets God, I had to get REAL with God.
I
decided to follow Him, but on one condition: He'd have to deal with
*ALL* my baggage - I wasn't going to let ANY of it hide ANYMORE.
I got serious with Him.
And with myself.
Every bit of me was surrendered now.
And
next, I had to receive His Love - and receive it OVER & OVER
&OVER. You never know how 'shut down' u r until the Lord shows u
how much love He has to give - and it is a tremendous love.
And i also had to find people, sometime DILIGENTLY find people to be vulnerable to - including christian guys. And from
them receive love OVER & OVER & OVER the way men are supposed to relate - not the addicted way it used to be.
It was so refreshing!!!
I
still would struggle, but the Lord told me once that my male
attractions only exposed my unmet need for male conpanionship: they're
not wrong, just desperate feelings mixed with fantasy. When I
connected honestly with guys on a personal level - past the "news,
sports & weather" (sometimes called a 'wall of words'), I'd find a
satisfaction that rightly filled that desperate feeling. I had to be
careful when that need was
not met to take it to a safe guy who
would connect honestly. It was the best way to deal with the lurking lust - expose it to someone safe.
The
Lord told me to look at a construction site full of guys & He asked
me what I saw. Instead of a fantasy, I saw a bunch of regular guys
whose wife or girlfriend made their lunch or brought it to them, some
liked the work, some tolerated it, and then I realized - I saw them as
people and not objects. A big, solid step.
And when I'd step out
trusting God, He would flood me with exactly what i needed. Sometimes
it was a challenge that I needed - like a flat tire.
And when I
had set my mind to fix it, this LADY stops by to help me with it. And
it was so great to have someone to talk to - and then she ends up
changing the tire for me b/c her brothers own an auto shop. Then I realized,
it was the grace of the Lord. It was like He was smiling over me.
It was like, 'this is my son in whom I am well pleased'.
I was taking
everything to
Him & He was like any parent to their obedient child - they don't
love you any more than the others, they just appreciate the obedience.
I hope u see the difference!! His Love never changes for his children.
I hope this makes sense & helps everyone who reads it. "Just spread the love He give to You." In Him, ~Tom
