The last two days have had some straight talk and harsh words when it comes to the subject of pornography and especially how women are treated. Today I want to take that and turn the view a little bit because this is the point where I think many Christians themselves sin and don’t even know it. It has to do with the area of condemnation.

Who are the people making porn, buying porn and why do they do it?

Well, they could be the people sitting next to at Denny’s enjoying a Grand Slam Breakfast. They could be in the car in front of you dropping off their children at school. Maybe they’re just behind you in the line at Wal*Mart because they ran out of frozen pizza at their kid’s birthday party and there are two dozen screaming elementary schoolers wanting their pepperoni pizza.

“Wait a second,” you’re saying. “The last two days you were talking about people who are degrading women and defiling them and turning them into human sex toys. Those kinds of people wouldn’t be seen out in places like Denny’s and Wal*Mart.”

Wrong.

Now, I’m not saying there aren’t the stereotypical pornographer out there like you see in the Hollywood movies. There are men who see women as disposable commodities and just pieces of flesh to use until they’re spent and then dump them hoping they’ll either kill themselves, get killed turning a trick or snorting drugs or just disappear some other way. In today’s world there are even women who are doing that to other women. (Which to me makes less sense because you would think a woman would understand more how degrading this business can be to a woman.)

However, the more porn works it’s way into “regular” society the more that people who seem like your average, ordinary couple in an average house with a nice hardwood floor are actually running a website where they put their most intimate moments on the internet for the world to see and make a lot of money doing it. They also love the attention it brings to them and they try to do more and more to put the spotlight on themselves.

It’s the teen girl who’s away at college and since money is tight figures there’s nothing wrong with “escorting” some older men around town and now and then having sex with them because it pays for spring break at South Padre Island and the hottest clothes their friends only dream of having in their closet.

It’s the guy who never fit in during high school and doesn’t know how to interact with other people who hides in his basement and surfs porn site after porn site because it creates a sense of intimacy between him and the women he sees on the screen. It’s all in his mind but at least he’s not feeling the pain of rejection anymore.

It’s the single mother whose husband just ran off with another woman and left her with no job, no real job skills and three hungry children who need to be fed. She turns to dancing at the local strip club because it brings in hundreds of dollars a night and now & then leads to a “private dance” where she can make hundreds more.

Do the thoughts of that make you sad? They bother me a ton. Take a second reading of those examples that I’ve laid out for you. How many of them are doing porn or prostitution or any sex related job because they really, truly, deep down WANT to do it? In reality, a lot of these people just have needs like feeling appreciated or welcomed by the people around them or they’re struggling with the sin of pride or love of money. They try to fill that void in their life with the porn business and it’s very welcome and accomodating to them.

Too many Christians look at people involved at the porn industry and they don’t see the underlying causes as to why people get involved in the first place. All the Christians hear is the word “porn” and immediately it’s a jump into “Holier Than Thou Mode!” You put on your weapons of war and proceed to beat the person senseless with a large print bible with a leather cover and your name imprinted on it in gold.

Too many Christians and too many churches look at sexual sins as the unforgivable sin. They would rather help a drug addict or alcoholic get rehab and help than help someone struggling with porn beat the addiction and spiritual battle. (If that church or Christian would even bother to help in the first place, that is.) This is something that we need to have stop today.

Remember Jesus’ admonition to all Christians in Matthew:

“”Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. ” - Matthew 7:1-2 (ESV)

The same standard you use to judge others is going to be put back upon you. Do you want to be seen as nothing but a liar because you told a little white lie to your kids when their goldfish took a ride down the porcelain fishbowl? Do you want to be seen as nothing but greedy because you only shared half your sandwich with someone in your Bible study group instead of giving them the whole thing? When you immediately pass judgment on the porn addict or the person involved with the sex industry you’re doing the exact same thing. They are human beings with sin and needs in their lives…they are not sin themselves.

Let me be clear: It does not matter that the sin is sexual sin. Sin is sin. You have it, I have it, Kirk Cameron has it, Billy Graham has it and the pornographer who shoots up his models with drugs so he can make them do things that would disgust any decent person has it.

I know…it’s hard to think of Billy Graham and a pornographer in the same thought. After all Billy is a great Man of God (and a real inspiration in my opinion) and there’s nothing he has in common with someone who actively tries to destroy the soul of another human being. However, he does. He has sin in his life like everyone else and all sin is sin to God.

Christians need to get past the condemnation of those in sexual sin and start reaching out to help these people either get out of the sex industry or beat the addiction of pornography. This is a situation where you need to move out of your comfort zone and really be in a place where you might have to put yourself out there financially.

The addict might not be able to afford counseling or the might not be able to afford the things and steps they need to take to recover. They might be living in a part of town where they’ll be surrounded by people who won’t encourage their recovery or even actively try to drag them back down. Most of all, they’ll need to be shown love, support and acceptance. They need to get mentallly healthy and that can’t happen if they feel they’re being condemned all the time or if they feel they’re being viewed as a worthless, sick human being by the people who are supposed to be helping them.

Also, speaking directly to wives of male porn addicts, as much as I know it’s hard you MUST remain in an intimate relationship with your husband. He needs to discover true intimacy and not the false intimacy that he was “enjoying” with his porn addiction. I’m not saying you need to provide wall to wall sex and do whatever he asks you to do because his mindset of that is warped by the pornography but you need to draw close to him and let him know you love him and that you want to see him beat the addiction. If you don’t support him, he cannot completely heal and you will end up helping the eventual destruction of your marriage. It may not end in divorce but you will never have a solid, intimate, loving marriage like God wants for you.

You can’t restore real intimacy with anyone if you’re always reminding them how they hurt you and/or what a horrible addict they were. I’m not saying you don’t talk about your hurt and you don’t talk about how his actions degraded and humiliated you…that’s part of recovery. It’s when you get into condemnation and unforgiveness of him that you cause more damage than good. You, as his wife, are the most important human being on this earth. How would you feel if the most important to you tossed you away? That’s right…you feel that way now because of the porn addiction. God doesn’t call you to make sure you put those feelings back on him. That’s God’s job to convict him.

Finally, the women and men in the sex industry need a true way of escape. It’s easy to tell them they need to repent and they need to get out of the business. The question become what will you do to help them start the new life and get right with God?

These people are going to need new jobs. Places to live. Not necessarily the luxuries of life but definitely the things we believe are needed to live like a phone to be able to communicate with people. They’ll need people they can call day or night when the temptations arise or if they find themselves in a situation where they could return to their life of porn, prostituion or sex businesses. This will require time, this will require money and this will require a spirit of forgiveness and mercy from you just as you would want God to show you.

They also need strong support systems…especially women coming out of this business. Their view of intimacy with men can sometimes be so obscured they can’t even see which way is up. They’ll see or talk to any man and immediately think all they want is to get into their pants. They will think that sex is love or even abuse is love. They’ll honestly think that if they’re being hit and used it means the man loves them. They need to be shown real love by Godly people so they can retrain their brains away from the way Satan had been training it. It’s not going to be easy, it’s going to take a lot of time and it’s usually going to require Women of God to stand up and stand strong.

One thing I have to give women…in general they’re more caring, more loving and better listeners than men. They know how to provide to each other what they need for support more than men. Sorry guys…I know it’s hard to realize that…but we usually spend more time blustering about than giving a darn about each other. We all need to show love to each other and guys…don’t be afraid to ask your wife how to do that if you have a buddy struggling with this! Ask your wife how you can show him you really care! Flipping him a beer and turning on the race isn’t really showing someone you care…

Now…I’m not saying at all that you condone the sin just to be loving to them. Absolutely not! You’re to stand strong and hard against the sin they were committing and let them know that it’s not fine under any circumstances to return to the sins. You just have to make sure you’re talking about the SINS and not the people. God wants every human being…even the sickest, most twisted producer of porn…to come to a saving knowledge of Jesus.

Today is the day for forgiveness. Today is the day for mercy. Today is the day for love. It’s time for all Christians…the people who make up the body of Christ and every single church in this world…to stop only passing condemnation on those who are involved in porn. It’s time to show them that Christ does love them and help them get their lives changed in a great, positive way!

Yesterday’s blog had a few people delete me from their friends lists without explanation. Today’s will probably do the same thing but I feel God telling me to write what you’re reading so when it comes down to it I should obey God rather than man. Today will not be as graphic and intense as yesterday but the message I think is even more important than yesterday.

It’s time for men to stop looking at women as little more than objects of lust.

“WAIT!” you’re saying. “I don’t look at women that way!”

Well, I hate to say it guys, but you very likely do and don’t even realize that you’re doing it. Even if you’re not lusting actively in the sense you think about sex when you see a woman it’s very likely when you look at a woman you’ll think about their physical features. Your focus will be on their outward beauty and it will make you look at them as an object rather than as a person.

It’s not entirely your fault because men’s brains are wired that way and the prince of this world knows it. We look at women and we can’t help it because we’re hammered day in and day out with images of women being used as objects of lust. It’s television commercials where actresses or models are in their bras and panties. It’s the beer commercials where every woman has a beer and a severe lack of apparel. It’s the movies where the sex scenes start getting edgier and edgier.

It gets worse when you bring porn into the picture.

If you’re viewing pornography on any kind of regular basis then you know that the women in those films always act like they’re ready to go and want everything that’s happening to them. They put off this image that women are nothing more than wild beasts just waiting for some man to allow them to let it all loose and bow to the every whim of the man. You may think in your head that you know women aren’t that way but you allow yourself the fantasy that women would be by watching these films.

Once you start to allow these thoughts into your head, you’re going to start looking at women in an entirely different way. Even though you say you know all women don’t think that you’re going to start paying more attention to how the women around you start dressing. You’ll come across someone who’s dressed similar to how you saw someone in a porn clip and your mind will race to that clip and you’ll wonder if this woman you’re talking to is as much a “freak” as the woman in the porn film.

If you’re not married it can lead you in the dating relationship to put such a priority on the physical aspects of a woman that she no longer becomes a human being but rather a warm body with all the right parts in all the right places. I’m not saying at all the physical attraction isn’t important in a relationship between a man and a woman because obviously God put that drive in all of us. I am saying that the physical aspects can and will change over time and if you’re looking only at the physical you’re going to find yourself five years into a marriage suddenly realizing that the woman you see brushing her teeth every morning no longer looks like the girls on the DVD or website who never age. Your mind will then wander away from your wife…the one, by the way, who you promised to forsake all others for…and start looking around for that next beautiful woman.

If you’re married then you shouldn’t be looking at other women in a sexual manner at all. Not even one. Just like I mentioned to the single man who’s building their view of a future wife based on how she looks physically and his mental comparisions to the distorted view of women he sees in porn films you too have a responsibility not to project sinful, lustful thoughts upon your wife that you obtained from porn.

If you do that, you’re showing no respect to your wife at all. None. It’s also showing no respect for God because you made a vow to forsake all others and the minute you start allowing yourself to start thinking about other women and being with them you’re committing adultery. You’re cheating on your wife and you’re sticking a vow to the Lord your God right into His face.

Don’t believe me? How about Jesus? Will you believe Him?

“”You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” - Matthew 5:27-28 (ESV)

That’s disrespect to your wife (or girlfriend), that’s dishonor to God and that’s taking the women you start thinking about and turning them into nothing more than warm pieces of meat upon which you can feed your unhealthy lust. I’m sorry to be so blunt about it but that’s really the bottom line and it’s time that men stop doing this to women.

You might be thinking that you don’t disrespect your wife because you don’t look at other women that way even if you do look at porn. OK…let’s just say for a minute your completely absurd idea that you aren’t disrespecting your wife is valid. (It’s not but let’s go with your thought process.) Have you ever brought into your bedroom with your wife what you’ve seen in those videos? Have you ever brought things in your intimate moments that you saw on your computer screen a few hours before? Have you ever thought of what you saw on the computer while it was happening?

You don’t have to say yes. I know you did. That is disrespect to your wife even if you want to claim you never lust after another woman.

“But these women are to blame!” you’ll say. “They’re the ones who agree to do the movies or they’re the ones who wear the tight blouses and short skirts or they’re the ones who wear the thong bikini at the beach!” I’m not going to write that women don’t have a part to play in this picture. Just like yesterday when I mentioned that Jesus said woe to anyone who causes temptation to appear before others I’ll freely admit that a lot of women don’t stop to think how their apparel and behavior can effect others. I think that’s why the Bible says:

“Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control” - 1 Timothy 2:9 (ESV)

Trust me when I say there are many women who have realized their actions and realize they have done things to cause men to lust or sin sexually. They feel the weight of that sin and it causes all kinds of problems in their life including depression and destroyed self-worth. There are great ministries like Beauty From Ashes that help those women turn their lives around because they need to learn they’re not what men have made them out to be.

That is NO excuse for your behavior and the way you view women. None. This is not a situation where you can apply the usual logic of the world and pass the blame to someone else. This is a place where you as a man have to stand up and take personal responsibility for the way you, I and all men have run the image of women into the ground.

Look at this verse:

“Treat younger men like brothers, older women like mothers, younger women like sisters, in all purity.” - 1 Timothy 5:1-2 (ESV)

The last three words of that passage leap off the page at me…”in all purity.” Purity. That means you don’t look at a woman and start thinking about what she’d look like if she was like the women you’ve been watching on the internet. Then again, you shouldn’t be looking at the women on the internet in that manner either! We are called to look and treat women with honor and respect that we would want to receive ourselves if we had been born a woman.

Guys, it’s time for all of us to change our views on women. I’ll be the first to admit in the past that I looked at women as sex objects. There were times that I looked at women in the past as living sex toys that were (as said to James Bond in the most recent movie) “little more than disposable pleasures.” It’s hurt every single realtionship I’ve been in and I thank God that He opened my eyes to not only the way I was treating women but the way they’ve been dehumanized in this society.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be blessed by God to have the chance to build a Godly relationship with a woman but if He does I promise you that I will treat her like a princess and put all of my attention onto her. I’ve learned the hard way about what I’m warning all men about in today’s blog. There is a reason that God created Eve for Adam…she was to complete him. She was intelligent, she was loving, she was strong and she was someone that helped Adam get through life. Women today are no different than Eve in that they are just as worthy of respect and love as Adam showed to Eve. (By the way, Adam tried to pass the buck onto Eve for the whole apple thing but God didn’t buy it then either.)

Guys, the time is NOW to stop looking at women in a sexualized manner. It’s time to stop looking at them as they walk away and lingering on their rear ends. It’s time to talk to their faces and not their chests. (Yes, you might be the one of the few men who actually doesn’t have this issues. If so, I thank God on your behalf that you don’t have to struggle with what at least 8 of 10 men struggle with in their life.) If we start taking a stand to show that women are worthy of respect and avoid things like pornography that devalue women then we can start to make an impact on the world around us and help save lives instead of destroying them.

Now…in closing…if you’re in this situation where you’ve been disrespecting your wife or girlfriend there IS a way to turn it around! God can do all things and he can restore your vision of your wife and bring the marriage to what it needs to be. He can change the way you see women in the world. However, you need to be honest and you need to be transparent. You need to talk to a pastor or counselor and you need to develop accountability. You even need to sit and tell your wife or girlfriend everything. Tell them how you’ve disrepected them and how wrong you’ve been to do it. Explain to them that you’re working to do the right things and then realize it’s going to take time to rebuild the relationships and the trust.

You CAN do it and it WILL be a blessing to you in the long run. God will honor you if you honor Him by treating women…His daughters…with the love, honor and respect that He calls you to give them.

And I’m here to help if I can. Like I’ve said, I can’t give you advice on dealing with a wife right now because God has chosen not to bless me with a wife or girlfriend right now. All I can tell you is the lessons I’ve learned from the mistakes of my past and how God has used them to illuminate to me the truth about this situation. I can give you advice on how to try and save what I lost in my life. My heart is that you don’t walk the path that I’ve walked and I know God is speaking through my pain to you so you can avoid this pain as well.

Tomorrow we’ll talk more about the people in the porn business.