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Last Published: 5/15/2008 5:06:54 PM
How to be helpful?
Asked by:
Anonymous on
January 17, 2008 at
12:46PM EST
When I do helpful little things for certain family members, they see the opportunity to take advantage and try to make me do other things for them. I can either withdraw and try to stay away from them so they can not bully me around, or I can tell them "no," and they will call me names for not cooperating. How can I be helpful without giving people the impression that I can be bullied around? I have prayed about it, but I still don't know what to do.
(4) Answers
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That's an interesting question. There is a verse in the Bible that if someone slaps us on one cheek, we should turn the other cheek to them.
It's unfortunate that your effort to serve is abused. My suggestion is to continue serving them. Follow Colossians 3:23: 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
Think of it as serving the Lord, not your family and God will reward you.
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Answered by: Angela on January 19, 2008 1:36AM EST
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It is good to do things for someone because you love them and want to be kind to them. But if they try to manipulate you into doing things you don't want to do, then something else is going on. If you are being manipulated, I think it is good to have a quiet yet firm assertiveness that is forthright about your intentions: "I am happy to help you when I [have the time available, see that you need some help, or whatever the situation is], but I am not going to let you use me for your convenience." I'm sure there is a better choice of words to convey this message, but that's the gist of it. Being manipulated and walked over by family members is not noble. You need to ensure proper boundaries and respect for yourself. To do so is not selfishness, and it is not a loving thing to do to let someone else develop the habit of manipulating other people. You may get called names for not playing their game, but don't let that bother you--you belong to Jesus, who loves you, your heart for them is love, and you have respect for yourself and for their best interests (and it's not in their best eternal interest to manipulate others).
But in all this, don't forget to help them when they are not expecting it or manipulating you, as a way to show you do want to be helpful, just not controlled.
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It is good to do things for someone because you love them and want to be kind to them. But if they try to manipulate you into doing things you don't want to do, then something else is going on. If you are being manipulated, I think it is good to have a quiet yet firm assertiveness that is forthright about your intentions: "I am happy to help you when I [have the time available, see that you need some help, or whatever the situation is], but I am not going to let you use me for your convenience." I'm sure there is a better choice of words to convey this message, but that's the gist of it. Being manipulated and walked over by family members is not noble. You need to ensure proper boundaries and respect for yourself. To do so is not selfishness, and it is not a loving thing to do to let someone else develop the habit of manipulating other people. You may get called names for not playing their game, but don't let that bother you--you belong to Jesus, who loves you, your heart for them is love, and you have respect for yourself and for their best interests (and it's not in their best eternal interest to manipulate others).
But in all this, don't forget to help them when they are not expecting it or manipulating you, as a way to show you do want to be helpful, just not controlled.
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